he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
