I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize