Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
