woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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