I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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