i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
