I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize