I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize