Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
