I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
