If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She's like a pop up book from hell.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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