Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
