I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
