my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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