my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
