I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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