Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
