drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
