There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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