make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
