But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
