how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
