So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
