new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
