i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
this just has baby written all over it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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