I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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