So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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