well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
