she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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