If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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