peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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