cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
