i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
