I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
