You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
