i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
