She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize