Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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