No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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