god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
