At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
