My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
