her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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