I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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