The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
