i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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