She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
