I can't watch pbs sober anymore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
