nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
