Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
