I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
