omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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