i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
