____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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