you lied. pity sex is amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
