life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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