Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
