battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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