I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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