The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
